Wingnut Week In Review: The Locker Room Debate

Terrance Heath

After Thursday night’s performance in Detroit, the next Republican presidential debate may as well be held in a middle school boys locker room. It couldn’t have been more juvenile, even if the candidates ran around the stage snapping towels at one another.

Coming on the heels of Super Tuesday, it was supposed to be the most important Republican presidential debate of the 2016 campaign. Instead, Thursday night’s Republican debate will go down in history as the first time a presidential candidate actually boasted about the size of his penis. To top it off, the subject got more airtime than:

  • Social Security
  • Climate Change
  • Drug Policy
  • Health Care
  • Unions
  • Workplace Protections
  • Paid Leave
  • Equal Pay
  • Voting Rights
  • Racial Justice
  • Criminal Justice Reform
  • Student Debt
  • Wall Street

The debate took place in Detroit, Michigan, less than 100 miles away from Flint, where the state’s Republican-dominated government let the citizens drink and wash in lead contaminated water for more than a year, just to save money. Yet, Flint only got less than two minutes of airtime during the debate.

Thanks to Donald Trump and Sen. Marco Rubio, this week’s GOP presidential debate quickly devolved into a d*ck measuring contest. All the remaining candidates lacked were a few drinks and a tape measure.

As always, guys like Trump and Rubio are ignorant of a truth known to many, if not most, of the rest of us: guys who publicly boast about their endowment are usually the ones who are most anxiety about their fragile masculinity, and the ones with the most to prove — primarily to themselves. Don’t take my word for it. There’s scientific evidence to back it up. A new study of howler monkeys showed that males with smaller “sexual weaponry” compensate by howling louder. There’s something else we have in common with our fellow primates.

Republicans are trying to beat Trump by becoming Trump. The problem with getting down in the mud with someone like Trump is that he has the home field advantage, because that’s where he lives. You won’t beat him that way, and you’ll end up just as dirty as he is.

The only person to land any serious blows on Trump was moderator Megyn Kelly.

It’s All Over His Face

Once the GOP’s biggest celebrity bully, and a strong contender for the White House, New Jersey governor Chris Christie has been reduced to Donald Trump’s stooge. It was all over his face at a Trump’s post-Super Tuesday press conference.

It was the latest in a series of humiliations for Christie. Shortly after he dropped out the race, Christie turned around and sucker punched his closest rivals (Cruz and Rubio) by endorsing Trump instead of picking one of them, dealing blows to the last candidates the GOP establishment hopes that one of them can stop Trump. Christie couldn’t resist getting in another swipe at Rubio, even at the risk of sabotaging his party.

Christie introduced Trump in a strangely low-energy speech, for someone who loves the spotlight and the sound of his own voice as much as Christie. It had all the energy of a hostage video, complete with silent pleading for someone — anyone — to save him.

Then, as Trump launches into his own speech, Christie stands silently behind him, wearing the thousand-yard stare of a man who just heard the trap door spring open and suddenly realizes how irrevocably screwed he is. It’s somewhat akin to the look on Wile E. Coyote’s face the split second after he falls off the cliff, and just before gravity yanks him back down to earth.

The video shows Christie nervously shifting his weight from one foot to the other, touches his face almost as if to confirm that all of this is real, and that it’s really happening. He looks around almost as if he’s expecting a rescue squad to burst upon the scene and carry him away to safety.

You can literally see the moment Christie realizes no rescue is coming. The earth is rushing towards him, and he all he can manage is a silent scream. There will be no climbing back to heights from which he’s fallen. His transformation from the GOP’s attack pit bull to Donald Trump’s lapdog is complete. His life is now waiting and hoping for scraps to fall from Trump’s table.

There’s nothing better than watching a bully get his comeuppance, except watching it happen at the hands of an even bigger bully. Twitter had a field day.

Here’s the best of the rest in wingnuttery this week:

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