Wingnut Week In Review: The Return Of Sarah Palin

Terrance Heath

Just like a cold sore, Sarah Palin’s back, again. And just like every time before, it’s not pretty. Not pretty at all.

She turned up in Ames, Iowa this week, dressed to draw attention to herself in a fringe-laden sweater that looked like something picked up at Dolly Parton’s last yard sale. She was there to confirm her endorsement of Donald Trump for president.

The endorsement was hardly a surprise. Though kinda connected to Ted Cruz, Palin’s been pretty explicit in her praise of and support for Trump’s agenda.

Still, when Sarah Palin steps up to a microphone, it’s an event. America holds its breath. Comedians and late night television hosts take notes. Once again, the woman who gave new meaning to the term “word salad” did not disappoint.

In case you can’t make sense of what she said, here are a few select excerpts.

On negotiating the release of hostages in Iran:

“And he, who would negotiate deals, kind of with the skills of a community organizer maybe organizing a neighborhood tea, well, he deciding that, ‘No, America would apologize as part of the deal,’ as the enemy sends a message to the rest of the world that they capture and we kowtow, and we apologize, and then, we bend over and say, ‘Thank you, enemy.’ We are ready for a change. We are ready and our troops deserve the best. A new commander-in-chief whose track record of success has proven he is the master at the art of the deal. He is one who would know to negotiate.”

On ahem “kicking ISIS ass”:

“So troops, hang in there, because help’s on the way because he, better than anyone, isn’t he known for being able to command, fire! Are you ready for a commander-in-chief, you ready for a commander-in-chief who will let our warriors do their job and go kick ISIS ass?”

On the GOP establishment (I think?):

““We, you, a diverse, dynamic, needed support base that they would attack. And now, some of them even whispering, they’re ready to throw in for Hillary over Trump because they can’t afford to see the status quo go, otherwise, they won’t be able to be slurping off the gravy train that’s been feeding them all these years. They don’t want that to end.”

It goes on, and on, and on like that, probably because Sarah Palin was finally back in the spotlight again.

What Sarah Palin doesn’t know could fill every available terabyte in several of the world’s largest data centers. But Sarah Palin knows how to get attention, because she needs it like the rest of us need oxygen. She’s been starved of it for a while. In the last few years, not one but two Palin-centered documentaries bombed in the box office; Palin’s book sales dropped by 70 percent; Fox News cancelled Palin’s contract, her subscription based web channel went bust, and her hints about wanting to join “The View” came to naught.

Other than a cringe-worthy attempt to impersonate Tina Fey in a weak “30 Rock” parody, the only way Palin has gotten much attention is through the antics of her rambunctious brood.

● Daughter Bristol complicated Palin’s 2008 VP bid when she was impregnated by (but not married to) Levi Johnston. The two were rushed into a quick engagement for the sake of the campaign. They were in the stands when Palin stepped onto the GOP convention stage, and into the spotlight she would hang on to like grim death. Alas, they never made it to the altar.
● Just after Palin’s reality show debuted, youngest daughter Willow took to bullying one critical commenter with homophobic insults on Facebook.
● Big sis Bristol similarly yelled anti-gay slurs to a man in a bar. The man reportedly called Sarah Palin “evil,” prompting Bristol to reply that the man must be “a homosexual.” Because that’s like the worst thing anyone could be, right?
● In 2014, the whole Palin make headlines after a night of drunken brawls. That apparently stemmed from the Palins crashing other people’s parties. It was so bad that, despite police reports, photos and audio of the whole soused post-brawl Palin clan, Sarah was reduced to claiming it never happened.
● It fell to Palin to announce to the world the cancellation her daughter Bristol’s second wedding. They must have been unable to get their deposit back, because the Palin clan announced that in lieu of the nuptials both families would gather at the Kentucky venue for a barbecue “to celebrate life, in general.” Bristol celebrated life in a rather different way. She blew off the barbecue, and took off with friend and “exotic model” Marina Lupas, while Palin went to the barbecue and argued with Bristol’s former fiancé.
Bristol topped herself by announcing that she was pregnant for the second time, without having been married even once. The younger Palin, who once made a tidy sum lecturing other teenagers on abstinence, also let the world know that she was not interested in being lectured.
● Bristol’s ex recently slapped her with a child custody lawsuit, claiming he is the child’s father. Bristol hasn’t publicly named the father, but it has to be the guy she was this close to marrying. Right?

The latest scandal unfolded after Palin left Alaska for Iowa and the Trump rally. Eldest child Track Palin was arrested and charged with domestic violence, after his girlfriend said he punched her in the head and threatened to fire a rifle. The charges were filed the same day Palin took the stage in Iowa. Young Mr. Palin, whom police said was “uncooperative, belligerent and evasive,” had a blood alcohol level of 0.189. (The legal limit to drive in Alaska is 0.08.)

Palin topped herself again, at a Trump rally in Tulsa, Okla., when she blamed President Obama for her son’s PTSD and domestic violence charge.

“When my own son is going through what he goes though coming back, I can certainly relate to other families who feel these ramifications of PTSD… our soldiers do return with. And it makes me realize more than ever it is now or never for the sake of America’s finest that we have a commander-in-chief who will respect them. They have to question if they’re respected anymore. It starts from the top. The question, though, that comes from our own president where they have to look at him and wonder, ‘Do you know what we go through? Do you know what we’re trying to do to secure America?”

Let’s all take a moment here to consider what Palin and the rest of the wingnut brigade would say if the children that the Obama’s actually raised carried on like Palin’s kids.

Right.

Here’s the rest of the best of the worst in wingnuttia this week:

Right-wing rocker and NRA board member Ted Nugent took to Facebook yesterday to declare that President Obama and Hillary Clinton “should be tried for treason & hung.” Nugent continued to rant against Obama on Newsmax TV.
Republican Presidential candidate and former Hewlett Packard CEO Carly Fiorina is being accused of hijacking a pre-school class’s field trip, and ushering them into her anti-abortion rally.
● Another day, another violent Donald Trump rally. This time Trump supporters at a rally in Tulsa, Oklahoma assaulted a group of silent protesters, putting one in a headlock and trying to drag him away.
● Let’s all spare a moment’s pity for Sen. Rand Paul (R-Ky.). Paul’s dad, former Rep. Ron Paul, told NewsMax’s Steve Malzburg that Trump will probably beat him and win the nomination.
●Republican Washington state Rep. Mary Dye shocked a group of Teenage Lobby Day participants when she interrogated them about their virginity.
● Jim Bakker told “End Times” radio program host Rick wiles that during a “never-been-aired” 1979 interview with Bakker, Ronald Reagan “prophesied” that “if America doesn’t change, repent, America will become Sodom and Gomorrah.”
Not to be outdone, Wiles warned listeners to prepare for a United Nations invasion of America.

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