Wingnut Week In Review: BatTrump

Terrance Heath

This week, Donald Trump gave the 2016 presidential election its best unofficial campaign slogan yet. Meanwhile, the Duggar family is proving harder to get rid of than a coldsore.

BatTrump

Donald Trump, the only billionaire candidate in the 2016 presidential race, found yet another way to stand apart from the rest of the GOP. (Not that he’s had much trouble with that.) Apparently, one of the perks of being a billionaire candidate is that when you lack any real policy ideas, you can always impress the electorate with your pricey toys.

After delivering a stump speech at the Iowa State Fair, Trump offered to give about 50 children rides in a shiny, expensive toy he brought with him: his own Sikorsky S–76B helicopter. (You can almost imagine his post-ride parting words to his pint-sized passengers. “How many other candidates can give you a ride in their own private helicopter? Be sure to tell your parents to vote Trump!”)

Trump must not know kids very well. After calling for the children to join him (“Where are the children? Get them over here!”), Trump proceeded to continue his stream-of-unconsciousness spiel on everything from military strength to Obamacare. Now, anyone whose spent more than 15 seconds with a kid knows that you don’t dangle something as exciting as a helicopter ride in front of them, and then keep them waiting while you blather on about something else.

The kids behind him were obviously growing impatient with Trump, who finally escorted them to the helicopter. And then it happened. With camera rolling, little William Bowman asked, “Mr. Trump, are you Batman?”

Trump answered, “I am Batman.”

And Twitter had a field day.

While Trump was having fun convincing kids that he’s “The Dark Knight,” the darker side of Trump’s rhetoric showed signs of spreading.

Duggar Redux

They’re back! You’d think a molestation scandal and a cancelled television show would be enough to make anyone go away for a while. But the Duggars are not just anyone.

It looks like the Duggars are desperate, and it’s hard to blame them. When news leaked that eldest brother Josh molested several young girls (including some of his sisters), and his parents attempted to cover it up, the scandal meant the end of the family’s hit realty show, “19 Kids and Counting.” Advertisers left the show in droves, forcing the Discovery Network to cancel it, at a loss of about $19 million.

Needless to say, raising 19 kids (and counting) can get pretty expensive. That’s probably why most people don’t have more kids than they can count on both hands. The Duggars lost about $25 million in income when their show was cancelled.

So, it’s understandable they’re desperate.

Oh Brother!

As if the Duggars didn’t have enough problems, big brother Josh is back in the spotlight, and reminding everyone that hypocrisy seems to be a Duggar family value. The former reality star and right-wing activist was forced to resign as the chief of the Family Research Council’s lobbying wing, after reports surfaced that he molested girls, including his sisters, as a teenager, while his parents covered it up. Duggar apologized, saying that he “acted inexcusably” then.

Now, Josh Duggar is back in the news, as more of his deeds done in the dark are dragged into the light. Data released online revealed that while he was working for the Family Research Council, which seeks “to champion marriage and family as the foundation of civilization, the seedbed of virtue, and the wellspring of society,” Duggar kept a paid account at Ashley Madison, a website created for people who seek to cheat on their spouses.

Duggar shelled out for the accounts in search of an extramarital partner for the following:

“Conventional Sex,” Experimenting with Sex Toys,“ One-Night Stands,” “Open to Experimentation,” “Gentleness,” “Good With Your Hands,” Sensual Massage,“ ”Extended Foreplay/Teasing,“ ”Bubble Bath for 2,“ ”Likes to Give Oral Sex,“ ”Likes to Receive Oral Sex,“ ”Someone I Can Teach,“ ”Someone Who Can Teach Me,“ ”Kissing,“ ”Cuddling & Hugging,“ ”Sharing Fantasies,“ ”Sex Talk.”

Duggar also listed the following “turn-ons.”

“A Professional/Well Groomed,” “Stylish/Classy,” “Casual Jeans/T-shirt Type,” “Muscular/Fit Body,” “Petite Figure,” “Tall Height,” “Short Height,” “Long Hair,”“Short Hair,” “Girl Next Door,” “Naughty Girl,” “Sense of Humor,” “Imagination,” “Creative and Adventurous,” “Relaxed and Easy Going,” “Aggressive/Take Charge Nature,” “Confidence,” “Discretion/Secrecy,” “A Good Listener,” “Good Personal Hygiene,” “Average Sex Drive,” “High Sex Drive,” “Dislikes Routine,” “Has a Secret Love Nest,” “Disease Free,” “Drug Free,” and “Natural Breasts.”

One of Duggar’s accounts included an additional $250 fee towards the purchase of an “affair guarantee.” If Duggar didn’t have an affair within three months, he’d get his $250 back.

It looks like Duggar’s “affair guarantee” paid off. In the wake of the Ashley Madison hack, Duggar issued the following statement: which starts with what has to be the understatement of the decade:

“I have been the biggest hypocrite ever. While espousing faith and family values, I have secretly over the last several years been viewing pornography on the internet and this became a secret addiction and I became unfaithful to my wife,” Duggar said in a statement Thursday.

The biggest hypocrite ever? Coming from a guy once boasted that his family was “like the epitome of conservative values” — and made a living portraying gays as a threat to marriage, while violating his own marriage vows – that’s got to qualify as the understatement of the decade, if not the century.

Here’s the rest of the best of the worst in wingnuttery this week:

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