Brass devolution

The Smith-Cotton High School marching band had a pretty good idea for a t-shirt, but parents and the school district's assistant superintendent nixed them because they promoted religion.

Except they didn't.

The shirts, worn by the Sedalia, Missouri, band in the Missouri State Fair parade, featured a monkey progressing through evolution en route to becoming human (not quite accurate, I know), with each figure carrying an ever-evolving brass instrument. The theme: Brass Evolutions. The superintendent dude, Brad Pollitt, said the school was required by law to remain neutral on religious matters.

If the shirts had said ‘Brass Resurrections’ and had a picture of Jesus on the cross, we would have done the same thing.

Well, yes, Brad, that would have been religious in nature. But, um, evolution, the last time I looked wasn't a religion, unless I'm missing something. I checked the list of churches in my area and couldn't find a First Evolution Church listed anywhere. No Bet Evolution synagogue either, and no Al Evolution mosque. Checked the listings in Sedalia, too, and, you guessed it, nothing there either.

Sherry Melby, one of the school district's teachers and also the mother of a band member, was all bent outta shape about the t-shirts.

I was disappointed with the image on the shirt. I don’t think evolution should be associated with our school.

I sure hope Sherry isn't a science teacher. God forbid that science should be associated with a school. Can't have that, now, can we?

Of course, as usual, my colleagues don't help a bit. They report the story as if the lunatics have something of value to say, and never once note that SCIENCE IS NOT A RELIGION.

My ancient colleagues probably did the same thing with Galileo back in the day.

Carrie Prejean, the former Miss California USA who was stripped of her title after she finished second in the Miss USA contest, is in a similar boat. You remember Carrie, I'm sure. She's the one who answered a question from judge Perez Hilton, the obnoxious gay gossip, by saying that same-sex marriage is wrong and that opposite marriage is the only way to go.

Donald Trump refused to dump her because of that bigoted comment, but the Miss California USA folks later did just that, saying she wasn't fulfilling her commitments. Prejean says she was, of course, and has now filed suit against the pageant officials claiming religious discrimination, among other things.

And, there was that small matter of topless photographs, but hey, when you can claim religious discrimination, whatcha gonna do?

Of course, there's also the thing about civil rights not being a religious matter either. Nobody seems to have told Carrie or any of the other extremists that granting gay men and lesbians the right to civil marriage has absolutely nothing to do with their religion.

And besides, there are plenty of religions that don't hold the same views as the extremists.

And speaking of gay, did you hear the one about Mary Cheney, Darth Cheney's lesbian daughter, handing out $1,000 to former Rep. Rob Portman, R-Ohio, who is seeking George Voinovich's Senate seat? Portman, y'see, voted for a constitutional amendment to ban same-sex marriage during his stay in the House of Representatives, and he also cast a vote for a ban on adoption of children by same sex couples in Washington, D.C.

But Mary gave him the bucks anyway, despite nearly quitting daddy's re-election campaign when GW came out for a federal law banning same-sex marriage. And she's also on record kicking James Dobson around for comments he made opposing adoptions by gay men and lesbian.

What gives, Mary? Heading back to the closet? Or have you joined an ex-gay group? How's little Samuel David Cheney, the youngster you and your 17-year parter Heather Poe are raising, gonna feel about this? Are you raising him to be a bigot?

Doesn't it all just give you one big headache?

And how about this one? Kristin Maguire, the ultra-religious rightwing chairwoman of South Carolina's Board of Education, resigned, not because she actively worked against teaching evolution and pushed abstinence only sex education. No. Kristin, it seems, has an alter ego, Bridget Keeney, who posts hard-core porn on the Internet.

There was something about a lap dance, too, but Kristin said that wasn't true.

In South Carolina, porn will cost you your job, but not having an affair in Argentina, a la Gov. Mark Sanford. Of course, maybe Sanford doesn't want to resign because rumors are true that Lt. Gov. Andre Bauer, who would take his place, is gay.

It's all tied together, ain't it? The extremists, who won't say they want a theocracy, nevertheless push to make everything about religion, which, I would think, is pretty clearly a theocracy.

Take Steven Anderson, the pastor of some hole in the wall strip mall church in Phoenix, Arizona. In a sermon entitled "Why I Hate Barack Obama," Anderson advocated the assassination of the president. Now, he later backed off a little and said he'd prefer that Obama died of a brain tumor like Ted Kennedy, but the fact is, the guy's praying for the death of the president. Mighty Christian of him, dontcha think?

Remember that guy Chris, who slung an AR-15 over his shoulder for a anti-healthcare reform rally? Member of the good pastor's church.

The same pastor advocates for the execution of gay men and lesbians, especially Rep. Barney Frank, onaccounta it's in the bible, doncha know. No word on whether he calls for the execution of women who have premarital sex. children who disobey their parents or people who eat ostrich, all of which are also found in the bible.

And whatever happened to that thing about Jesus changing everything? Just not for gay men and lesbians and Barack Obama?

But once you have a theocracy, none of that matters. You can make up your own rules. Just ask Iran.

Or those kids in Sedalia, Missouri, who were pretty excited about their really cool t-shirts, designed by their band teachers. In Sedalia, evolution is a religion, and can't be depicted on a band t-shirt.

Wonder what they think of all this? Do they want religion to govern every aspect of their lives?

Yeah, just a few crackpots outwardly call for a theocracy in America. But the rest of the extremists want the same damn thing.

It's all in the actions, y'know. Watch what they do, and you'll see what they want.

Of course, the rules only apply to you and me. They can do whatever they want.

Views expressed on this page are those of the authors and not necessarily those of Campaign for America's Future or Institute for America's Future